


Insecurity

by ChameleonCircuit



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Fluff, Jealousy, References to Sex, carhoun - Freeform, crack ship, i guess, the vaguest of smut tbh, vague smut, when does it stop being a crack ship and start being a real ship lemme ask ya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 10:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13385787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: Rita loved sex with Sonny. She loved how eager he was to please, and how easy he was to please, too. She loved the feel of his surprisingly muscular arms as he held her tight, and the wet, hot heat of his skillful tongue. She loved the fact that he could make her come multiple times before he needed taking care of. But most of all, she loved the soft little sounds he made as he came undone inside of her.Sonny was in love with Rita Calhoun. He knew it from the first time they slept together. Everything about her was captivating to him. She was smart and strong and more together than anyone he knew, even Rafael.





	Insecurity

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Astronaut_Milky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astronaut_Milky/gifts).



> Huge thanks to tobeconspicuous for being my wonderful beta and encouraging me to write this when I doubted myself (as always)!
> 
> This one's for the lovely Astronaut_Milky. I hope you don't mind me vague-smutting what I originally planned to be full-smut for you.
> 
> Crack ships appear to be my new outlet, and I'm having so much fun with it, so I hope anyone who stumbles across this has fun reading it, too!

Rita loved sex with Sonny. She loved how eager he was to please, and how easy he was to please, too. She loved the feel of his surprisingly muscular arms as he held her tight, and the wet, hot heat of his skillful tongue. She loved the fact that he could make her come multiple times before he needed taking care of. But most of all, she loved the soft little sounds he made as he came undone inside of her.

 

They’d been sleeping with each other for a little over seven months, and Rita loved every minute of their time spent together. Sonny was better company than most; he could keep up with her mentally as well as physically, which was rare to come by.

 

None of that explained the way her breath caught in her throat as she stepped out of Rafael’s office, mid-way through laughing at one of his snarky remarks about a colleague, at the sight of Sonny leaning towards Carmen, the pair of them wearing identical soft, flirty smiles, Sonny’s eyes sparkling the way she’d only seen directed at her.

 

She could feel Rafael’s hand on the small of her back as he guided her out, but his voice sounded distant. The world had faded away, and all she could see was the way Sonny touched Carmen’s shoulder lightly, smiling like the sun, dimples in full force.

 

As her eyes locked with bright, shining blue, she felt Rafael touch her shoulder, just lightly, before the rest of the world came rushing back into focus.

 

“You okay?” Rafael murmured in her ear, but she pretended not to hear him as she strode toward Sonny, who now looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

 

“Detective,” she purred with a nod, flashing him a smirk as her eyes raked up his body. “A pleasure, as always.”

 

Before he could respond, she strode out, head held high, trying not ignore the indescribable feeling bubbling up inside her.

 

~~~

 

Sonny was in love with Rita Calhoun. He knew it from the first time they slept together.

 

Everything about her was captivating to him. She was smart and strong and more together than anyone he knew, even Rafael.

 

When she’d propositioned him, he’d been shocked, but there was no way he was saying no. He hadn’t expected to fall for her so hard or so fast, but after their fifth encounter, the moment he’d finished cleaning them both up, and he’d curled up next to her, head pillowed by her soft stomach as he drifted sleep to the rise and fall of her breath, he knew he was in too deep.

 

He hadn’t expected to be allowed to stay, but she didn’t mind, so long as he understood the ‘boundaries’, as she’d put it. They weren’t a couple, they weren’t exclusive, and there was no _love_ involved.

 

Sonny knew that Rita Calhoun would never be in love with him, but so long as they were sleeping together, he could kid himself into believing he could change her mind.

 

That was until he saw her emerge from Rafael’s office, laughing at something clever he’d no doubt said, with his hand resting on the small of her back. As their eyes met, Sonny felt his blood run cold, and all he could do was stare helplessly after her as she breezed past him as though he meant nothing.

 

~~~

 

Jealousy.

 

Three days later, after replaying the image of Sonny and Carmen smiling at each other over and over in her mind, she realised what she was feeling was jealousy.

 

Worse than that, she realised that she had fallen completely in love with Dominick “Call Me Sonny” Carisi, Jr. entirely without meaning to. And she had no one but herself to blame for her current predicament.

 

She knew she could claim him as her own. He was so willing to please, and she had him wrapped around her little finger. She could ask anything of him and she would probably get it. But for the first time, that thought didn’t sit well with her.

 

Carmen was young and vibrant and on her way up. She was Rita’s opposite in practically every way, and she was just now realising what a bad fit she was for Sonny.

 

It had never mattered before. It had never even occurred to her that it _would_ matter. Rita was smart and sexy and she knew it, but she couldn’t give Sonny what he deserved - what he undoubtedly wanted, at some point.

 

Jealousy was a new feeling for her, and she loathed it.

 

~~~

 

Sonny couldn’t stop thinking about Rafael’s hand on Rita’s back, and the easy way she laughed with him. Rita didn’t laugh with Sonny like that. In fact, Sonny always got the impression Rita was laughing _at_ him.

 

And really, he couldn’t blame her. He knew he was less refined and far too over eager. He knew he wasn’t nearly as smart as her, and he knew she was surrounded by smart, charming men on a daily basis. And Rafael was the smartest, most charming man he knew - of course Rita would be interested in him.

 

The more he thought on it, the more it made sense. And the more it made sense, the more his heart threatened to beat out of his chest. He wasn’t even jealous - how could he be, when they were clearly so made for each other? He just felt small and stupid. And what was worse was that he knew if she called he’d still come running. He would do anything for her.

 

Despite everything, he loved her, and he wasn’t sure he could ever shake that. If casual sex was all he could have, he would take it willingly. No matter how much it hurt that he’d never be enough for her.

 

~~~

 

Rita loved sex with Sonny, and she was never very good at denying herself the things she loved. That’s why, two days after she resolved to let Sonny’s thing with Carmen play out, she was back to inviting him to her apartment.

 

“Sonny,” she practically purred as she let him through the front door, looping his tie around her hand to pull him close, only to let go to retrieve her glass of wine just as he’d been about to kiss her.

 

“Rita,” he breathed out, cheeks flushed and eyes wide. It amazed her, the way he always looked at her like he couldn’t quite believe his luck when it was _her_ who should consider herself lucky.

 

It also amazed her how quick she’d come to that conclusion, when she usually thought of her sexual partners as the lucky ones. She could take it or leave it, move on to the next, but the people she slept with were always pining after her.

 

But not Sonny. She’d always thought he was the same as all the others, until she saw him with Carmen. That image broke her little bubble, and she realised for possibly the first time in her adult life just how dispensable she really was.

 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Sonny enquired as casually as he could, having toed his shoes off at the door.

 

“Please,” she said with a huff. “When have we ever done that?”

 

She watched his ears turn pink, a touch of colour reaching his nose before he rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably.

 

“We could, you know,” he suggested quietly, not quite meeting her eyes.

 

She felt a rush of affection for him, but she smirked at him nonetheless, running her finger along his jawline before leading him to the bedroom without pretense.

 

“You can put your mouth to better use,” she whispered into the dark room, removing her gown in one fluid motion before sprawling out on the top of her bed.

 

She may not have his heart, but he was still clearly willing to do anything for her, and as long as he was willing to give, she was more than willing to take.

 

~~~

 

Even in a post-sex haze, with Rita only just sliding off of him, sweat glistening on both of their bodies, Sonny could tell something was different.

 

He could tell her mind was elsewhere, and at first he had wondered if she was thinking of Rafael, wishing it were him and not Sonny with his tongue inside of her.

 

But then he’d realised she was trying to lose herself in him, in their moment, more than she usually was. She seemed determined to take pleasure from him, and more than that, she seemed determined to pleasure him.

 

He hadn’t even noticed she’d left until the bed dipped beside him with her weight as she returned. Before he could even open his eyes, a damp, cool cloth was on his abdomen, wiping the steadily cooling sweat from his body. He smiled softly, letting her work for a moment, before his brain caught up.

 

This was borderline tender, and Rita Calhoun did not do tender. Usually he took care of her post-sex, or they showered together, where he _really_ took care of her.

 

When she curled up beside him, head nestled against his ribs, Sonny felt a flicker of concern.

 

“You okay?” He whispered.

 

“Don’t ruin the moment,” she mumbled, lips moving against his skin, her breath causing his flesh to raise in goosebumps.

 

“It’s just that...” he faltered, bringing a hand up to hold her close, thumb brushing lazily across her shoulder. “We don’t normally have ‘a moment’, so to speak.”

 

“You usually stay.”

 

“That’s not a moment, that’s a kindness,” he said with a laugh.

 

“For whom?”

 

The question caught him off guard, and before he could stop himself, he was sitting up a little, propped up on both elbows, looking down at the top of her head where it remained next to him on the bed.

 

If he didn’t know any better, he’d think she sounded _sad._ He couldn’t think of a time Rita had ever seemed sad. Angry, frustrated, pissed, exasperated, exhausted, irritated, sure. Horny, seductive, sexy, enticing, excited, ecstatic, definitely. But never sad, not even close.

 

“What’s wrong?” He asked gently, running his hand through her hair, not quite sure what else to say.

 

“Nothing’s wrong, Sonny.” He could practically hear the eye-roll, even though he couldn’t see it. “Go to sleep.”

 

He sighed, settling back beside her, deciding to push his luck by keeping his arm around her and holding her close. When she didn’t move away or tease him for being sappy, instead of feeling pleased, he felt his chest tighten.

 

And then the little green monster clawed at his heart, unwanted, as it climbed its way to his tongue.

 

“Why’d you call me and not Rafael?” He asked, sounding bitter even to his own ears as his grip on her shoulder tightened.

 

She shot up, looking him dead in the eye, utter confusion written on her face as she tried to read his. He never was good at putting his guard up, especially not when jealousy was involved.

 

“Rafael?” She asked, lips curling into a smirk. “You think I’d be sleeping with him? Please.”

 

“Why not?” Sonny asked with a dull laugh, propping himself up again so he could lean against the leather headboard.

 

“Been there, done that,” she said as though it meant nothing, eyes still narrowed slightly. “Long ago, and something I’m not interested in revisiting. Besides, he’d probably rather sleep with you than me these days.”

 

Her lips curled into a wicked grin, and he felt himself growing hot at the implication.

 

“Oh, look, you’ve thought about it too. Shall I give him your number?”

 

“He has my number,” Sonny said dumbly, feeling his face grow hotter by the second. “So the two of you aren’t-“

 

“No. Not that it’s any of your business,” Rita cut him off bluntly, expression entirely blank.

 

“Right. Of course not. Sorry. You can… I mean… I know this isn’t exclusive. I’m not… I mean-“

 

“I’m not sleeping with anyone else.”

 

There was something guarded in her voice, something that unnerved him. He realised it had been there the entire night, covered up with flirting and moaning and post-sex haze. But now, with all cards almost on the table, he could hear it clear as day.

 

“You’re not?” Was all he managed, and he cursed himself internally.

 

“It’s okay,” she said quietly, tracing a line up his torso in a way that would normally be seductive, but instead left him feeling cold. “You can still have me while you’re with Carmen. I won’t tell anyone.”

 

“What?” Sonny spluttered, grabbing her hand to stop the motion as she reached his nipple.

 

“It’s okay,” she repeated, and Sonny was beginning to think she was trying to reassure herself more than she was trying to reassure him. “We were never exclusive.”

 

“Hey,” he said softly, catching her chin just as she went to drop her head.

 

He felt himself smiling softly, undoubtedly a little goofily, as he realised she’d just told him she wasn’t seeing anyone else - that he was the only one. Under any other circumstances, he wouldn’t think anything of it, but he couldn’t help the little bubble of hope that blossomed in his heart at the uncertainty shining in her eyes at that moment.

 

“I don’t know where you got that from, but there’s no one else. There’s only you. There’s only ever been you, from the moment I was lucky enough to have you look twice at me.” He pressed a soft, chaste kiss to her lips. “I love you.”

 

~~~

 

Rita recoiled in shock, more than anything else, a bitter laugh bubbling up from inside her before she could stop it.

 

Briefly, she wondered how this night went so horribly wrong, but a part of her figured it was always headed for this. It was headed for this the moment she let jealousy into her bed. It was headed for this from the moment she saw Sonny and Carmen smiling _sweetly_ at each other. It was probably headed for this from the first moment she let Sonny stay the night, curled up beside her, lazy affection spilling from his hands until he fell asleep.

 

“You don’t love me,” she said, smirking by default more than anything else. “You love sex with me. I’m flattered, but there’s a distinction.”

 

“No,” he insisted, reaching for her hesitantly, like he was scared she’d run if he touched her. She wasn’t sure he was wrong. “I love you, Rita Calhoun.”

 

The urge to laugh was quickly crushed by the stutter of her heartbeat and the twisting of her stomach. She never knew she wanted - _needed_ \- to hear those words until they were uttered. She was scared if she opened her mouth to speak, all that would come out was a whimper, so she continued to stare him down.

 

But the longer she stared, the softer his face seemed to grow, and against her will, she felt her own expression soften, too.

 

He smiled at her then, all dimples and teeth, his forehead crinkling, as he reached for her hand.

 

“I love your hands,” he said softly, kissing each of her fingers in turn before pressing a kiss to her palm. “I love your arms.” He pulled her close, kissing along the inside of her arm before nuzzling the side of her breast. “I love your boobs.”

 

She rolled her eyes at that, a small smile tugging at her lips as he laughed at his own choice of words before kissing the tops of her breasts in a way that was somehow completely tender and devoid of sex.

 

“I love your stomach,” he murmured as he kissed his way down her torso, blowing a soft raspberry just below her belly button, causing her to laugh against her will. “I love your legs.”

 

As he kissed down her thighs, she felt her skin prickle beneath his warm breath in anticipation, despite the fact that he was moving down her legs, not up them.

 

“I love your feet, but I kinda don’t want to kiss those,” he said with a soft laugh, kissing her ankles before coming up to her, face to face.

 

Seeing the earnest look in his eye caused her throat to tighten as she fought back unexpected tears. Never, in all her life, had anybody ever bothered to treat her with such gentle affection. She’d never needed this, but in the face of it, she was overwhelmed by just how much she never wanted this moment to end.

 

“I love your neck,” he whispered, breaking eye contact to nuzzle against her neck, peppering it with kisses. “I love your ears.” He bit lightly at her earlobe before kissing along her cheekbone. “I love your eyes.”

 

Without prompting, she closed her eyes, allowing him to kiss each eyelid. She felt her face grow warm as a single tear escaped from her closed eyelid, trailing its way down her face. Before it could reach her hairline, Sonny had captured it with another kiss.

 

“Look at me,” he whispered into her hair before coming up. Rita opened her eyes, grateful for their dryness, though she noticed Sonny’s were now glistening.

 

“I love your lips,” he continued shakily, lips ghosting over hers. “I love your mouth, and everything you do with it. The way you talk, your quick wit, your dry sarcasm, your ability to tear down anyone and everyone, but also build them up when they need it. I love the way you kiss, the way you tease, the way you lick, and suck, and bite, and please.”

 

“Don’t start writing poetry on me,” she muttered with an eye-roll.

 

“I love everything about you,” he said with a laugh. “I was just happy you noticed me.”

 

Before she could respond, he captured her lips in his own, licking his way into her mouth, delivering the most passionate kiss she’d ever received. Unprompted, she wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him closer as one hand ran into his hair, the other across his back, gripping his shoulder blade as she pressed their bodies together.

 

She couldn’t say it back. She wasn’t ready, even though she knew she loved him too. She’d barely come to terms with her jealousy, let alone what it meant. She just hoped that this was enough.

 

~~~

 

As Rita kissed him back, closing every inch of space between them with a desperation he’d never seen from her, Sonny felt relief flood through him, washing away every trace of doubt.

 

The fact that she hadn’t cut him off or pulled away had been the only thing keeping him going as he tried to express how much she meant to him. But now that she was gripping him, holding him, kissing him in a way she never had before, every trace of doubt he’d felt up until that moment bled away as his heart swelled.

 

When they finally broke apart, breath ragged and body’s sagging into the bed, with most of Sonny’s weight pressed into Rita, he felt himself begin to laugh.

 

“Get off,” Rita muttered, shoving at his arms as he pushed himself up, only to settle beside her. “You might be a bean pole, but you still weigh a ton.”

 

He grinned at her, pleased when she smiled back.

 

Sonny breathed out a heavy, contented sigh and looked up at her ceiling, mind racing a mile a minute in a way that made it impossible to catch a single thought outside of, “Rita.”

 

“Stay?” She asked quietly, after a while. So quietly he had to look at her just to make sure she’d spoken.

 

The uncertainty in her eyes threatened to stop his heart, and he reached out to pull her flush against his side.

 

“You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”

 

“I beg to differ,” she muttered, though he could feel her smiling against his shoulder.

 

“Good night, Rita,” he whispered, pressing a kiss into her hair.

 

Sonny was in love with Rita Calhoun, and now, he was almost certain she was in love with him, too.


End file.
